Egon's Metamorphosis
by NekoChanSenpai
Summary: Something jarring has happened to Egon overnight! Will he be able to return to normal? Or will he be stuck like this forever? Shout out to my friend in Texas for the idea!


**Egon's Metamorphosis**

Egon Spengler awoke from restless dreams with a queer feeling in his gut and between his legs. That is to say, he felt very unusual. He checked the other cots to make sure Ray and Venkman were still asleep, then quietly stepped into the bathroom. It felt different just to walk, he noticed. After he'd locked the door, he faced away from it, hesitated, and then finally pushed down his pajama pants and underwear together. He looked down to find his penis was gone. At that realization, a sour stab of dread hit him in the stomach. For a brief moment, he almost screamed. He looked again. It was still gone, and in its place was its womanly counterpart. He didn't want to say it. He didn't even want to think it in his head. To name the damn thing would be too much. He pulled his pants back up and crept downstairs.

He was staring uneasily into his coffee when Ray came downstairs. Peter would be asleep for at least a couple more hours. Ray cocked his head when he saw Egon upset. Hesitantly, he called out, "Spengs?"

Egon turned his head, slightly startled, to look at Ray. "Oh," he said flatly, "Morning, Raymond."

Ray glanced into Egon's coffee. It was black, which meant something was the matter. Egon never drank black coffee unless something was bothering him. Cautiously, Ray asked, "Is everything okay, Egie?"

Egon didn't know how to respond. He knew Ray wouldn't believe him if he said yes, but he couldn't say no. And what could Egon even say was the matter? That somehow during one night, he had undergone some freak sexual transformation? Impossible. Maybe it would go away.

"Maybe it'll go away…"

"Huh?"

Egon blinked. He looked up at Ray again. Damn. He had to think of some decoy problem now. He couldn't think of anything, though. He knew better than to panic and make something up on the spot, however, so he decided to buy some time.

"I don't want to talk about it."

That seemed to do the trick. Ray mumbled something sincerely apologetic, rested his hand momentarily on Egon's shoulder, and left quietly. A moment after he was out the door, Egon turned to look. Ray was his best friend. He decided that if he was going to face this phenomenon, he was going to face it with Ray. Just not yet. He wasn't ready yet.

First he had to come to terms with it in his own way. He went through the notebooks in his nightstand and came up with a blue one that was blank. After he found his favorite pen (a fine ballpoint), he noticed that Ray had left a Crunch bar on his cot. Ray knew him too well. Egon, however, being in the mood he was, set the bar in the drawer of his nightstand for later, when he would feel up to it. God knew he would need it.

Egon slipped quietly into the bathroom with his pen and blank notebook and locked the door. He prayed nobody would disturb him, or that Ray would at least keep Venkman away, even though Egon didn't say anything. Egon opened up his notebook and wrote at the top of the first page. "Phenomena Summary" Underneath that, he wrote:

"Subject has woken up with male genitalia replaced entirely by female genitalia. Subject has so far not experienced any pain in this."

Egon set his notebook and pen down on the sink counter. He double checked to make sure the door was locked, then pushed down his pants and underwear. He took in a deep breath and looked down. He felt sick, looking at it. It wasn't right; it didn't belong there. There was still a man's amount of pubic hair, more than enough to hide it, praise God. Even so, Egon could only hold off examining himself for so long. He wished he'd brought some gloves.

Not that he really needed gloves. It was technically his own body, with or without these new changes. They would be more for his own comfort than anything else. He stooped to fish in his pockets, then searched under the sink. There they were, behind the apple-scented bubble bath Ray insisted on buying every so often. Egon pulled on the gloves. Under his summary, he wrote, "Initial Examination".

Egon was nervous and admittedly embarrassed. He looked down at himself once more. He lifted his hand above his hips and hesitated. He didn't want to do this. But at the same time, he knew he had to. Scared, but deciding to get things over with, his hand came down and rested flat against himself. Immediately, he withdrew his hand and held it away. It had felt warm there. There had felt warm. It was too much. Egon fell to his knees and heaved into the toilet. After a few minutes, he pulled his pants back up, felt the material of his underwear against him, and threw up again.

When Egon was sure he wasn't going to vomit any more, he peeled off his gloves, picked up his notebook and pen, and staggered out of the bathroom. He saw Venkman. Venkman, for once, looked sympathetic.

"Egon, you don't look so good."

"Water."

"I'll get Ray."

Egon nodded. Venkman knew well enough not to be an ass when his friends were upset. Usually. Well, more like sometimes. In this case, he did. Egon went to his bunk and retrieved the Crunch bar from his nightstand. He was staring at it, unopened in his hands, when Ray came in with a cup of water.

"Egon?"

Egon looked up. Venkman was there, too, next to Ray. Egon considered putting up with Venkman just until he said or did something stupid, but he decided against it. Ray could be a little clueless, but at least he wasn't insensitive.

"Venkman, could you go do something else, please?" Egon said.

Venkman huffed, but left. He understood, but he was offended. Ray sat down next to Egon and handed him the cup of water. Egon took it and drank. He felt the weight of the water in his stomach. He felt sick again.

"Easy now!" Ray warned, "Not so much at once! Now, I know something's going on, and I want to know what it is. You don't have to tell me everything right now, but can you tell me a little? It makes me nervous seeing you upset and not knowing why."

Egon hesitated. It wasn't a matter of how Ray would react. He knew Ray would be understanding after he got over his scientific fascination. The fascination, scientific or not, bothered Egon, but that wasn't what held him back, either. He knew his friends, and he knew what would happen if he told Ray what had happened to him. Venkman would pull Ray's ears and Ray would blab. Still, it wasn't fair to Ray to keep him in the dark. Egon would have to tell him just enough.

"Something has happened to me. I don't want to say it out loud. I don't want to think about it, but I can feel it, and it makes me sick."

"Oh my God, Egon! Where you raped?"

Egon shook his head and asked, "What made you think that?"

"I watch a lot of crime shows on TV. Anyway, if that's not it, and you don't want to say it, maybe you can write it down? Here, you've already got a notebook—"

"Don't read that!" Egon barked and snatched the notebook away.

"Egon," Ray asked cautiously, "does that have something to do with what happeed?"

Egon nodded. There was no point, no reason to deny it. Then he remembered. He'd made the decision to face this with Ray. He didn't know if he would ever come to terms with this. It struck him then that if he didn't confide in Ray now, he may never confide in him. He sighed.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

Egon handed the notebook to Ray. Ray took it silently. He flipped it open and read what Egon had written. His eyes widened.

"Egon, how is that even possible?"

"I don't know, but given our line of work, it could be paranormal."

Ray thought for a moment.

"Look, I know you're gonna analyze and run tests and science the hell out of this, but seeing as it's happened to you, I don't think you should do it alone. It's not good for you. At least let me help out."

Egon smiled. "For moral support or because it's scientifically fascinating?"

"Yes."

At that point, Venkman barged through the door, obviously having been eavesdropping.

"Okay, I give up. What happened to Egon?"

In unison, Egon and Ray said, "None of your business!"

An hour later, after everyone had gotten dressed and eaten, Egon had to urinate. He had been holding it for a quarter of an hour, actually, not wanting to do something new with his new anatomy. He couldn't put it off any longer. In the bathroom, he stood for a moment, looking at the toilet. He knew he would have to sit. It wasn't like he'd never done that, but now he would have no choice.

He sat down now, pants and underwear around his knees. Don't overthink it, he thought as he let go. It wasn't so bad. Just different. The stream was bigger; he didn't expect that. Then the stream decided to veer off to the side and run along his leg for an inch or two. Egon swore under his breath. Did that happen to women all the time? The urine slowed, returned to its straight, downward direction, and continued for a moment longer before it gradually stopped.

Now what, Egon thought. What did women do at this point? Surely women didn't just pull their clothes back on without doing something to keep themselves clean? He noticed the toilet paper. That would work until he figured out what women did. He pulled away a good foot and a half of toilet paper and folded it. Then he looked down.

He still didn't want to touch it. It was still difficult to look at it, even. He had to get this over with. Just do it quickly, he thought. As fast as he could, he pressed the toilet paper against himself, pulled upward, and dropped it into the toilet. There. It was over.

He washed his hands for a full minute under burning water. He left the bathroom and went immediately to his cot and ate the Crunch bar Ray had given him. He opened up his notebook and turned the page.

"Misc. Notes: Urination: No apparent problems or discomfort."

Ray came into the room a moment later. He was carrying a yellow legal pad and a pen.

"I'm going over a list of supplies we may need. Where can we buy a speculum?"

"I have one."

"Really? Why?"

"Because I'm a scientist, Ray. I have all kinds of science stuff in my science lab, where I do all my science things."

"You're avoiding the question."

"I am not."

"Fine. Where did you get the speculum, then?"

"A science place."

"Don't answer me then," Ray said, sticking out his tongue, "Just tell me if I missed anything here."

Ray handed the legal pad to Egon. Egon took it.

"What are these supplies for?"

"They're for, um, your phenomena."

A look of dread and horror dawned on Egon's face.

"Oh my God! The speculum! Don't tell me we're going to use that?"

"Isn't that something we might need?"

"Raymond, do you know what a speculum is?"

"I know it's used in gynecology, so it made sense to put it on the list. I figured you would know what to do with it."

Egon sighed. "Follow me."

He led Ray down to the lab and dug around in a few boxes before he found it. He held up the instrument.

"This is a speculum."

Ray took a step back and said, "What the hell is that for?"

"Examinations," Egon said.

"It looks like a torture device!"

Egon nodded. He knew he would have to undergo the use of this thing when they would be running tests, but he wasn't ready to even think about that yet. He dropped the speculum back into the box he'd found it in. He turned back to Ray.

"Medical grade lubricant."

"What?"

"For the list. We will be running tests on an orifice that is usually sensitive. We're gonna need medical grade lubricant."

"Oh," Ray said, writing it down, "got it."

They went back upstairs. Then Ray went out to get the supplies. While he was out, Venkman came up with Winston. Winston spoke first.

"Hey, Egon. Venkman says something's goin' on you won't tell him about. Look, if you don't wanna talk, that's up to you. I just wanna know if you'll be able to bust some ghosts today."

Then Venkman butted in.

"Also, Ray took off. Said he had to grab some things. Can't we send Janine to do that?"

From the hole in the floor, Janine's voice snapped, "No we cannot send Janine to do that!"

Egon shook his head. "Sorry, Peter, it had to be Ray."

"Thanks, Egon!" Janine called.

"I should be okay out there," Egon continued, "the rest of me is the same."

Venkman and Winston gave Egon a confused look. Then Egon realized what he said.

"Um, I mean, maybe there won't be any calls today."

Venkman and Winston nodded. It even seemed reasonable. It had been a slow couple weeks. They left him alone and went downstairs. Egon could hear them talking to Janine.

"What's wrong with Egon?" Janine asked.

"We don't know," Winston said.

"Something happened this morning," Venkman said, "Ray knows, I think."

"I should go try and cheer him up," Janine said.

"Keep it in your pants, Janine," Venkman scoffed.

Egon could practically hear Janine roll her eyes as she got up and walked up the stairs. She came into the room gently and stood by his bed where he sat.

"Hi, Egon."

Egon looked up. Oh God, no. Egon did not need a woman, much less Janine, taking pity on him, or worse, trying to figure out what the problem was. How would a woman react to this? How would Janine react? Janine, who was the distaff counterpart to the dirty old man?

"Egon, I brought you somethin'."

Janine held out a Twinkie. Egon took it and held it for a moment, looking at it. A Twinkie. Sugar. Fuel for the brain. Gaggingly light and sweet. Ordinarily, this would be the perfect thing to cheer him up. Now, however, as he looked down at the thing in its cellophane wrapper, it occurred to him that it had never looked so phallic. He scowled and threw the Twinkie across the room.

Janine went "Aaah!" in her nasal whine. Egon felt the onset of tears stinging his eyes. As evenly as he could, he said, "Get out."

The moment Janine left, Egon curled tightly onto his side and wept angrily. Why did this have to happen to him? How did it happen? Why him? What had he done to deserve this? No. That was a stupid thought. Unscientific. But he felt like being dramatic, which was strange. He didn't deserve this. If anything, Venkman deserved this.

That was a strange thought. Egon never thought things like that. Well, hardly ever. Surely he would never wish anything like this upon anybody. But Egon didn't feel like thinking analytically now. He wanted to wallow. So he did. An hour later, he was calm again, so he went downstairs to apologize to Janine.

Ray was back. He was trying to get past Janine and the guys so he could bring a box down to the lab. Egon noticed with great relief that the box was taped closed. Quietly, he approached the group. Janine and Venkman were badgering Ray for information. Winston was somewhere between 'leave Ray alone' and 'just tell me'.

"Look, you guys," Ray said, "just let me put this downstairs, then I'll check on Egon, then he can decide if he wants to talk, okay?"

Then Ray noticed Egon standing a couple yards from the group.

"How you feeling, Spengs?"

"Extremely."

Ray paused, then said, "Write that down. It might be relevant. Do you know where I'm going with that?"

Egon nodded. Hormones. The sudden shift in his anatomy must have led to a shift in his biology. But then that would mean…

"Oh my God!" Egon cried, "That means…oh God, what else is going to change? What's going to happen to me? How far will it go? What can I do?"

Then Venkman slapped Egon.

"Egon, tell us what happened. We're all worried sick. It must be a big deal, because Ray's not talking, and I pulled his ears. Now, all we can guess is that it's something physical, so if you don't tell us, we have ways of figuring it out. Now out with it. Now."

Egon looked at Venkman, then at the others, then at Ray. If Venkman had found out at the beginning, he would have laughed. Winston would have been weirded out. God knows how Janine would have reacted. Egon figured, now that they were worried, they would react better. People always react better when they know ahead of time how they're supposed to react.

Egon sighed. "Ray, get the notebook."

Ray nodded silently and went upstairs to get the notebook. The others visibly relaxed. A twist of panic rose in Egon's stomach. They still might react badly. Humans are unpredictable.

"Just don't laugh, okay?"

"Laugh? This is serious."

Egon nodded. Ray came back down with the notebook. Egon gestured for him to go ahead. Ray opened the notebook and held it out for the others to see.

"I don't understand," Janine said.

"It means Egon's got girl parts now," Venkman answered.

"How is that even possible?" wondered Winston.

"We don't know," Ray said, "Egon thinks it might be paranormal."

"Where did you put the box, Ray?" Egon asked.

"On your bed. I forgot I was carrying it."

"Did you remember the medical books?"

"Of course. You think I know how to work a speculum?"

Janine gasped. Venkman looked away in embarrassment.

"What's a speculum?" Winston asked.

Janine and Venkman stifled giggles, but stopped when they saw that Egon wasn't smiling. Egon looked at Winston.

"Wait here."

He left to retrieve the speculum from the lab. When he returned, he handed it to Winston.

"That. That is a speculum."

Winston looked at the metal instrument in his hands. He turned it over, opened and closed it a couple times, and held it up to look through it.

"What is it?"

"It's a gynecological instrument."

Winston looked down at the speculum, then tossed it back into Egon's hands. Egon caught it, then smirked.

"It's not going to be used on _you_."

"That thing shouldn't be used on anybody," Winston said.

"Eh, you get used to it," Janine said, "Mostly, anyway."

Egon went to put the speculum away. When he came back, Janine was back at her desk, and the others were out of sight.

"They're upstairs," Janine said, "They ordered Thai; it should be here in twenty."

Egon smiled a little. He went upstairs and found the guys at the table. The day was only half gone, but it seemed like a few days had gone by already since that morning. There were no calls that day. It was agreed that tests and examinations could wait until the next day. The rest of the day was calm. Ray spent the time reading the medical books he had picked up earlier.

That evening, Egon went to take a shower. He locked the door and undressed. His stomach lurched as he saw his body in the mirror. He turned away and stepped into the tub. As the water started from the shower head, he remembered he was still wearing his glasses. He set them on the counter and stepped back into the shower.

He put off washing _that_ for as long as he could. He knew he would have to wash it. He didn't want to. But the water was starting to get cold. It had to be done now. Egon soaped up a wash cloth with his usual strong-smelling soap. He squeezed his eyes shut and scrubbed.

Egon yelped. "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!"

Why did that burn? Egon held himself under the water, and that seemed to feel good. It still hurt, but the running water was soothing. He stepped away from the water. The pain redoubled. He couldn't stay under the shower forever. He ground his teeth and shut off the water.

Five minutes later, he was sitting on his cot, instinctively rocking back and forth, his eyes wide in discomfort. Every few seconds, he swore under his breath. The guys stood outside the door, concerned.

"Egon seems more upset than earlier," Ray said.

"Yeah, no shit, Ray," Venkman returned, "Something must have happened in the shower. Didn't you hear him in there?"

"Some of us have less creepy things to do than listen to Egon shower," Winston snarked.

"Yeah, Peter," Ray agreed, "Egon deserves some privacy."

Venkman frowned, but let it drop. Then Egon stepped out of the room, having had enough of the dry, raw feeling down below that remained from the shower. He looked at his friends. He'd heard their conversation.

"That _is_ pretty unnerving, Peter, but I understand. I need to grab something from the lab."

With that, he left. When he got to the lab, he locked the door. Egon wasn't an idiot. He knew women were not supposed to be dry down there. Not like this. Egon wasn't a virgin. He figured what worked for sex should work now to bring him back to a more comfortable state. Now where had he hidden his stash?

Egon had discovered a secret compartment in the baseboard under his desk one day. He hid things in there when he thought there was a chance that Venkman might help himself to them. At the moment, there were a few condoms, a girly magazine, and a bottle of lubricant. He took the lube now and found some gloves in his desk. With the gloves on, he pushed his pajama pants and underwear down and emptied what seemed like a good amount of lube onto his fingers.

This was humiliating. This was practically masturbating. Egon applied the lube and immediately felt soothed. He put a little more on his fingers and kept applying. It didn't feel sexy. Not really. He wasn't in the mood for it to feel sexy, so it didn't. It still felt wrong, but for the moment, Egon was too relieved to panic. Then he was done. He quickly pulled his hands away from himself and snapped off the gloves. He pulled his pants back up.

After he washed his hands and put the lube back, carefully shutting the compartment, he went back upstairs in a strange mood. The guys were sitting on their cots, all in their pajamas. They looked up at Egon. Egon got into his cot.

That night, Egon dreamt he was a woman. It was terrifying. It was night. He was walking outside. Everywhere he looked, men leered at him. But in the dream, he knew he could steal what they loved above all. He just needed his box. He didn't have his box. If he had his box, he could steal what they treasured, koro. Then they would never leer, koro.

The next morning, when they had dressed and were eating breakfast, Egon was looking through Tobin's Spirit Guide. Then Venkman spoke with his mouth full of eggs.

"Whatcha looking up, Egon?"

"Koro, and its connection to a box. I had a dream last night, and I think it's connected to this phenomena."

Venkman burst out laughing. "You said 'box'!"

"Ha," Egon said dryly.

"No," Venkman continued, "That's funny because Koro means something. I read about it when I was getting my PhD. I thought it was funny at the time."

"You actually have information that I don't? That's impossible."

"I just got to it before you. Plus I remember things better when they're funny."

"What's Koro?"

"It's a culture-specific thing where you believe your junk is shrinking away. It's also called 'shrinking penis'. It's a psychology thing."

"That doesn't help me."

"It helps you stop looking in the wrong field entirely."

Later on, there was a call. Egon had already made it clear there was no way he was not going. It would only make him feel worse, and he needed the distraction. They all hopped in the Ecto-1 and drove off.

They parked outside a community center next to a small park. One of the staff was waiting for them. He was a thin, balding man in a cheap suit and bright yellow ascot. He shook Venkman's hand.

"Can we make this quick?" the man asked, "We have a play starting in just a few hours. This devil always comes out when we do Tennessee Williams, which is often because everybody keeps voting to see Streetcar over and over."

"Ooh, Streetcar!" Ray exclaimed, "Can we stick around to watch after?"

"We'll see, kiddo," Venkman said.

Egon led the way with the PKE meter. Immediately, he saw he didn't need it. In the front row of metal folding chairs was the ghost. It floated up and down on one of the chairs, then zoomed through the rows, throwing up the occasional chair. It spun in circles.

"It looks very excited," Winston said.

"We have to get it away from the seats and the stage," Ray said.

"Right," Egon agreed, "We need room for the trap."

"Oh yeah, that too."

Venkman stepped closer to the ghost. He had an idea. Ray was gonna love this. Venkman waited for the ghost to look at him, then fell to his knees and cried, "STELLAAAAA!"

Both Ray and the ghost had the most ecstatic expressions on their faces. The ghost flew over to Venkman. Venkman moved the trap into place.

"Guys! Now!"

Egon aimed at the ghost and held it in a stream. Winston joined in with his, and then the two of them lowered the ghost to the trap.

"Count of three," Ray called, "One, two, three!"

Venkman opened the trap. Egon and Winston shut off their streams. The trap sucked the ghost into itself and then shut. It was done.

Egon went to the staff to talk money. Ray turned to Venkman.

"Can we stay for the show? Can we? Please?"

"I don't know, Ray," Venkman said, "What will we do for a few hours while we wait?"

"We can just come back when it's time! Please!"

"Let's see what Egon says, how's that?"

"Okay."

Egon came back a few minutes later with a check. He smiled at Ray.

"Good news, Ray. Bad news, Venkman. I've agreed to give them a discount if they give us four tickets to the show. It's in two and a half hours."

"In that case," Ray said, grinning excitedly, "we should grab something to eat now, so there will still be good seats later! Thanks, Spengs!"

Venkman sighed. "I guess we can afford to give a discount just this once. For Ray."

They went back to the firehouse to change. Then they went out and got lunch. When they got to the show, they ended up sitting toward the front of the middle. It was a pretty good production, and Ray loved every minute of it. He even teared up at the end, when Blanche said her last line.

After the show, the guys walked through the park.

"I don't get that one line," Venkman said, "The one the sister says at the end. Aren't they hauling her off to the nuthouse?"

"Exactly," Ray said, wiping his eyes.

Then, from up in the trees, a voice came at them.

"Koro! Koro! So I see you still show your face!"

They looked up. About fifteen feet up, sitting on a branch, was a woman. She wore a short, tight dress and high top sneakers, and her wild, frizzy hair was clipped up. Egon spoke first.

"What?"

"Yes, you! You who are no longer a man! Koro! Dickless sir!"

Egon was now, understandably, enraged.

"You CUNT! Who are you?"

The woman laughed. "Who, I? A witch! I am who stole what made you man! Koro! What are you now?"

Then Venkman stepped forward. "Hey, bitch! You don't get to decide if he's a man or not! Now you put his dick back where it belongs, before we come back and fry you!"

"Uh, Peter," Ray butted in, "People are starting to watch."

"Well, what do you want me to do about it?" Venkman argued.

He turned back to the witch. "Well?"

The witch leaned across the branch.

"It's in a box, in a nest, at the very top of this tree. That's very far. And why should I give it back? He doesn't need it. And it goes so well with my collection. Would you like to see?"

The guys quickly nodded, all thinking the same thing.

"KORO!" the witch said, "As if it would be that easy to trick me! You would take yours and run! Koro! But only I know how to put it back! Begone from me! Koro! Koro!"

With that, the witch hopped from her branch and disappeared. Winston stepped back and craned his neck to look at the top of the tree. He couldn't see anything. Egon slammed his fist into the trunk.

They went back to the firehouse. Egon had held some napkins to his fist because it was bleeding. The bleeding was stopped now. Egon had been thinking on the way to the firehouse. Had he read something about this kind of thing? He wasn't sure. He checked the database. Aha.

"Malleus Maleficarum."

Ray looked up from his medical book to see Egon sitting across from him.

"What?"

"I looked up some information on witches stealing penises, and came up with a work by Heinrich Kramer. What's interesting is that he was widely regarded as a quack, and yet, here is a situation that fits his writings."

"Malleus?"

"Malleus Maleficarum. First published as Der Hexenhammer."

"That is easier to say. Any recommendations on what to do in this situation?"

"Just torture and burning. And by torture, I mean the Inquisition condemned it."

"I don't think that will work."

"No," Egon agreed, "It won't. What are you reading there?"

Ray showed him his medical book. The page was open to a diagram of the female external genitalia. Egon winced.

"I don't think we need to do any examinations, now that we know the cause of this," Egon said.

Ray understood. He shut the book and set it aside.

The team spent most of the next day discussing how best to face the witch and get Egon's penis back. Venkman wanted to simply kill her with their proton packs.

"Peter," Ray said, "That's not gonna help Egon get his dick back."

"Then we just fry her until she puts it back. Wasn't that book all for torture?"

"We're not," Egon said, "Either way, it's too risky. For a few reasons."

It was almost three when Ray suggested they simply steal the witch's box.

"Ray, that's stupid," Venkman said, "The witch is the only one who knows how to put Egon's thing back."

"I know," Ray said, "That's not what I'm talking about."

"What are you saying, then?" Venkman said.

"Okay," Ray began, "We steal the box, hide it away for a while until the witch freaks out and starts looking for it. Then we say, 'ha-ha we have your box' and refuse to give it back until she puts Egon's penis back! What do you think?"

"That's stupid," Venkman said, "How do you know she can't just get another one whenever she wants?"

"She said she had a collection. Would you throw away a collection?"

"When you put it like that, it sounds like a pretty good idea," Winston said.

Egon nodded. "Worth a shot."

The next day, the four of them left early in the morning to the park by the community center and tried to remember which tree the witch sat in.

"I think it's this one," Winston said.

The trunk was noticeably dented from where Egon punched it that day. There was a patch of bark missing.

"How is who getting up there?" Venkman wondered.

"I'm going," Egon said, "I'm the tallest, and if anyone's going to steal a box with my penis in it, it's going to be me."

Venkman blinked. "Egon, have you even climbed a tree before?"

"Of course I have. When you're a boy raised without toys, you have to do _something_ to pass the time. It can't _always_ be science."

With that, Egon jumped up and grabbed onto the first branch. He swung up and clambered onto it, then stood on it to reach the next branch. It wasn't as far as the first branch was from the ground. In this way, it took Egon about twenty minutes to reach the top of the tree.

There was a large nest in the branches near him. There were cheap fake feathers and costume beads woven into the nest. In the nest was a red wooden box covered in spilled nail polish and Lisa Frank stickers. Egon took the box and opened it.

Inside the box were penises. All sizes, all colors. At least two were pierced. They writhed among each other in the box. Egon shut the box quickly and closed the clasp. Immediately, he made his way down the tree.

Egon handed the box to Ray before he hopped down from the lowest branch. Ray held the box up to look at it. It didn't look like a magic dick box. But then, what did a magic dick box even look like?

When the guys got back to the firehouse, they talked to Janine. They explained their plan and asked Janine to look after the box while they were away busting ghosts.

"What do you want me to do with it?" Janine asked.

"Just hide it somewhere until we get back," Venkman said.

"Why don't you just leave it in the lab and keep it there?"

"That actually makes sense," Winston said.

Venkman gave in, and the box ended up hidden under Egon's desk in the lab.

It took three days to hear from the witch again. It was raining. The guys were out on their way to get pho when the witch came upon Egon and grabbed him by the coat.

"You! Stupid thing! What have you done?"

Egon tore her hands away.

"Where is it? What have you done with my box?" the witch demanded.

"How bad do you want that box?" Venkman sneered.

The witch glared at Venkman, then crossed her fingers in his face. Immediately, Venkman doubled over in excruciating pain. Then Ray stepped in and pulled the witch's hand out of the curse. Venkman threw up into the gutter.

"I'll ask you again," he gasped, "How bad you want that box?"

"Koro!" the witch snapped, "What have you done with my collection? You can't even put yours back by yourself!"

With that, she grabbed Egon's crotch. Egon yelped and pushed her away.

"You _bitch_!" Winston shouted.

"You put it back," Ray said, "and you can have your fucking box back."

The witch blinked. Then laughed.

"Oh, is that all you want? No. I will not put it back. I haven't had the chance to use it even once yet."

"Use it?" Egon asked, "I don't want to know what that means, but don't use it for anything, just give it back! Otherwise, we will destroy the entire box."

"Koro! You will not! It does you no good to do so! Koro! You bluff, sir!"

"But I don't," Venkman said, "And I say, for every day you refuse our deal, we throw one away, starting with the prince alberts."

The witch tugged at her frizzy hair and stamped her feet.

"Koro! Koro! Not the pierced ones! Koro! Agreed, then, sir. Where is the box?"

Winston stayed behind to grab the pho, while Venkman, Ray, and Egon took the witch to the firehouse. When they got there, Janine was at her desk, reading GQ. She looked up.

"Who is that?"

"The witch," Venkman said, nonchalantly.

"Why does she look like a hooker?"

Venkman shrugged. "Get the box."

Janine's face lit up. She rushed down to the lab and picked up the box from under Egon's desk. She noticed it was all heavy in one corner, like all the penises had crowded there. Like sunflowers growing toward the light. Janine giggled at that thought. Then she noticed part of the baseboard had moved, like it was hinged. She knelt down and opened the baseboard to find Egon's stash.

Janine took out the girly magazine and flipped through it. It was pretty run-of-the-mill. Even so, it was amusing to find porn under Egon's workspace. Then Janine remembered what she was doing and put the magazine away and closed the compartment. She took the box upstairs and set it down on her desk.

"What took you so long?" Venkman asked.

"I found a magazine," Janine replied.

Venkman rolled his eyes. The witch stepped forward and opened the box. The penises inside moved around clumsily. The witch rummaged through them for a moment before pulling out a fairly large one.

"This is the one. Let's do this privately. All upstairs."

Egon nodded. That one was his. He closed the box. The witch took it under her other arm and followed them up the stairs. When they got to the bedroom, Egon stopped them.

"Maybe it would be better if there wasn't such a crowd. I think it would be better if it was just Ray with me."

The others understood. Ray and Egon led the witch into the bedroom. Egon sat on his bed, and Ray took a chair nearby. The witch sat on the box.

"Take your pants down," the witch said.

Egon obeyed. It was awkward and uncomfortable, but he had to get this over with.

"Open your legs."

He did. Then the witch held the base of his penis to his body, and he could feel that his womanly parts were gone. The witch then pushed Egon's penis onto his body and smoothed the skin connecting it to him. Then she pulled downward and his balls appeared. When she was done, she made signs with her hands and said, "Hot damn!"

Egon pulled up his pants. The witch beckoned the others into the room. Ray stood to join them.

"It is done," the witch said, "Now, you, sir, you who have rejoined manhood, do not make love for five hours. It's bad luck."

The witch picked up the box and left without another word.

"How do you feel, Spengler?" Ray asked.

Egon considered this. He once again felt the familiar weight of his rightful genitalia. It was right. This was how his body was supposed to be.

"Back to myself."


End file.
